


A Word of Advice

by dustandroses



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Community: tamingthemuse, Ficlet, Humor, M/M, POV: Xander Harris, Post-Canon, Post-Chosen, The Cleveland Hellmouth, Xander Harris/Spike Implied, Xander Monologue, baby slayers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-27
Updated: 2014-04-27
Packaged: 2018-01-20 23:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1530098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustandroses/pseuds/dustandroses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander imparts his hard-won knowledge to the group of young Slayers in his charge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Word of Advice

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt Notes:** Inspiration for this fic taken from the Live Journal community Tamingthemuse prompt #405: Plunge  
>  **Notes:** I looked around, and I couldn't find any, so I don't think Xander's legendary Babylon 5 Collector's Plates actually exist, so I invented one for the purposes of this ficlet.  
>  I thought about taking this prompt seriously, but I'm in a pretty silly mood these days (as evidenced by [Fantasia Revisited](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1498213) last week), so I went with the humor.

There’s nothing like growing up on a Hellmouth for teaching a guy to think on his feet. It doesn’t matter if you have a stake or not. If you lose yours, a vampire is not going to wait for you to run home and find your spare. _Improvise, people!_ A wooden spatula, a fence slat, a No. 2 Pencil – these are all weapons at your disposal. That doesn’t go just for vamps, either. You can decapitate a zombie with a mailbox, or crush one with a vending machine, or feed him to the neighborhood werewolf. Who says the only ones who can use a barbeque fork are gangs on PCP, or packs of wild dogs? 

Attacked by a bug man? A little glue and some shoe leather will put you right, or a giant-sized can of insecticide. A large rock, a frying pan, a fire extinguisher, or even a well-placed high heel can work just as well as traditional weaponry – especially when your adversary is supernatural. Sometimes all you need is a good scream, or some bat sonar – you’d be amazed at how easily a well-timed audio-visual aid can render your opponent helpless. 

True, there are times when a ‘for sale’ sign isn’t going to do the trick. You might end up needing a knife, or axe, or maybe even a rocket launcher or some C4, but usually a broken bottle, a cymbal, or a ball-peen hammer will do in a pinch. I once took out a vamp with the broken end of a toilet plunger. Of course, we had to replace that plunger the very next day, ‘cause teenage girls go through enough TP to paper the White House – on a daily basis. Believe you me, a plunger is a required item in this household. 

Oh, stop your whining! You girls act like you never had a bodily function in your lives. I’m the one who should be complaining – I have to live with six teenage girls! It’s not just bodily functions, you know. Chaos Demon slime will harden in cold water, and plug up a pipe so fast your head will swim. If you get Glurgg puss on your clothes you have to throw them out, ‘cause they’ll foul up the plumbing something awful. We had to replace the washing machine the last time someone refused to throw out their favorite jeans. I’m not naming names – coughcoughLorenacoughcough. 

Oh yeah, you think it’s funny now, but wait until it’s your brand new tights, or your favorite t-shirt and you’ll be singing another tune. Unfortunately, the life of a Slayer is hard on clothes – so learn good habits now. Number One Rule: never wear anything that costs more than my entire collection of Babylon Five collector’s plates while on patrol. It will save us all a lot of grief. 

Speaking of, if I ever find out who used the plate depicting the Earth-Minbari War as an ashtray, you’ll be on KP for the next two years. Take this as a word of advice to the three new Slayers in the house – do not mess with the Xan-man, because you will regret it. And I don’t want to hear any more of you suggesting that Spike is the guilty party, because we’ve had that talk, and I am convinced he is innocent - probably. 

Remember, Spike is still the one who teaches weapons training five days a week, so just because he and I are making with the smoochies these days does not mean you have permission to tease, taunt, or otherwise torment the vampire. He may look like my pet vamp, but he is _not_ tame, and if you push him, he will put you down like the fool you are. Treat him with the respect he deserves, and he will… Okay, he’ll still treat you like his play toys, but he’s got the power to enforce it, so if you’re smart, you’ll back off. The next one who makes kissy-kissy noises behind his back will be wearing his Doc Martens from the inside, if you get my drift. 

Okay, so that’s it for today’s breakfast meeting. You’ve got one hour to get ready for school and take care of chores, so get busy. Don’t forget, it’s Faith’s turn to drive the bus, so be nice. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s pulled over in the middle of Cleveland and spanked somebody who pissed her off. It had better not be you. Right. Well, I’ll be in my room – do not disturb us unless there’s an apocalypse. 

Oh, and have a nice day!


End file.
